Korean-or-American

Yes, I am still alive! Summer is showing it’s 100 degree face. Ugh… But the upside is I’m back in the river. Kayaking is my newest love. Even though I have been doing it for the past couple of summers, I’ve never owned my own kayak. I’ve finally decided to stop mooching and buy my very own for my birthday. My birthday is coming up this month and I’ll be 33. Eeek! How did this happen? Seems like I was just a young 20 something not too long ago and now I’m close to MID-30s! Where did EARLY 30s run off to??? A friend who has already experienced 33 says it’s a good year. Double 3’s are lucky. I sure hope so. Things have been steadily moving that direction. As you know I didn’t pass my EMT exam last year. I had to make up 36 hours of class time and retake the state exam. I took the exam in April and… it’s official, I’m an EMT! I am starting at a volunteer agency this Friday night. It is sure to be an interesting experience and I’ll see a side of my city that’s I haven’t seen before. At least up close and personal. Wish me luck!

There are good aspects about getting older. I feel like I’m finding more things that I enjoy. I’m all about adventure lately. Kayaking being one of them. My usual spots are nearby but I’m anxious to try new rivers with new challenges. This past weekend kayaking through Balcony Falls, we drove a little ways down river to the James River Footbridge.

A lot of kids jump from this 50 ft. bridge. All the excitement and adrenaline made me feel young. Not like the almost 33 year old that I am. I think it’s important to keep adventure in life so you don’t forget what you’re capable of, no matter how old you become. I have upcoming adventures to look forward to this year. Skydiving and white water rafting being a couple of them. I hope 34 and beyond (if I make it that far according to my mom ) bring new adventure to keep me feeling young.

I wish everyone a great summer!

Yes, I know, it has been many many months since I have blogged. Forgive me… whoever is reading this. It is sometimes difficult to find the words or even know how I am really feeling until a lot of time has passed.

I went to Korea. I drank. I ate . And I met a lot of new people. I was around so many Asian people it blew my mind. But it is amazing how easily you fall into regular life. Since I returned from Korea in August I have been busy working, wedding-ing, living life, etc. I was obsessed with Korea when I came back. I wanted to learn Korean, eat Korean, smell Korean, be Korean (whatever that is). I became very interested in all things Korean. Especially family. I barely tried to search for birth family when I was there in August. I figured I was taking in all I could manage without adding the intensity of looking for a birth family. But I think ultimately that is my goal. Maybe I was too intimidated by the idea of actually finding them… or not finding them. It was amazing to me how many adoptees were there to visit family. To me, family was back in the States, not in Asia! And it was also amazing to see how many adoptees, many years younger than I am, who had found their birth families already. I think it almost gave me the wrong impression or false hope that it is so easy to find your Korean family. It seems like everyone can find someone if they just put in a little effort.

I have put in little effort so far. I contacted Holt Korea. They sent me papers that didn’t reveal much more than I already knew but it ends up that I will have to do much of the legwork myself in Korea. Even from my brief search, I feel jealous of the people who have already found their families. I don’t even know why its so important. I feel like I shouldn’t wait too long or they might be gone by the time I get there. I can hang out with other adoptees and even other Koreans and be fine but I don’t feel “Korean”. Maybe family symbolizes what it is to be Korean to me. To have roots there. If there are no roots, then the only roots I have to rely on are the ones in Virginia. I can’t imagine not thinking of myself as an American or a Virginian. I think that is where I am “from”. I am content here. I am not looking to fill a void with “real” family. I have real family and they are here. But I am still curious. Who are they? Do they look like me? Do they act like me? Would I even know if I saw them on the street? Is blood really all that important? Is it blood or memories that create a bond? That is my question and the only way to answer it is to compare, to compare my Korean family to my American family.

Hopefully in the next year or two I will be able to go back to Korea fully prepared to search. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t get my hopes up and face facts but it is difficult not to wish for something that is seemingly unobtainable. I don’t think I’ll ever really be prepared for what is ahead of me. I just have to take it as it comes.

Sorry I have not been blogging since I have been back from Korea. I know you are dying to know every stinking detail. I have been busy being in a wedding, working, collecting thoughts on pre and post Korea life but I will soon return! By the way, I had a great trip. It was different than expected. Better than expected. I will reveal my deep and meaningful insights on the gathering, Korean people, adoptees and most importantly the corndog with fries when I get my butt in gear and write. Til then I hope that everyone has had an enjoyable summer. I know I have and I am ready for the next phase.

I leave on a plane to Korea in one week. Am I still nervous? Yes but I have been calming myself with the sweet sounds of credit card swiping. I have found that having travel plans gives me a great excuse to buy, buy, buy. I may be broke when I arrive in Seoul but I’ll be looking very stylish. I have also found that I possess the skill of justification. “Oooh, those shoes are cute. I’ve been needing new shoes anyways. I’ll NEED them in Korea. Yes! I want them, I NEED them. Must have them!” This has happened with shoes, shirts, make up, various toiletries, books, and even the undergarments that I’m pretty sure no one will see. However, I tell myself that its ok to be spending money like I’m Paris Hilton because I normally never buy much more than food. And since Paris doesn’t look like she spends much on food at all, I’m actually saving money in comparison. (See how this justification thing works? )

Even though I kid, I think the shopping and preparing has made me more excited about the trip. Not that I wasn’t excited before but now it seems more real. Soon I’ll be squeezing out shampoo from a teeny, airplane safe, 3oz. bottle. I’ll be cursing at the dead batteries in my camera. I’ll be worrying about panty lines in my new white outfit for the final party. The full shopping bags around the house and the worried look in my cat’s eyes is making it all sink in. Some of the online-friends are either there already or on their way and I’m very eager to meet them.

I hope everyone’s travels are safe and I’ll see you soon! The buying storm is over and its time to get packing!

Butta is the tagger of “8 random facts about me”. I, the tagee, have put together these eight random facts about myself. Enjoy!

1. I am going to Korea for the first time in less than a month. It makes me giddy and want to barf all at once.
2. I had heart surgery when I was 13. I was in the hospital for 5 days. That’s back when I was a healthier version of myself.
3. I hate mushrooms. I will eat anything else on the planet but biting down on a mushroom feels like chewing on pencil erasers.
4. I, like Butta, have a very naughty habit involving tobacco but a very good habit of working out at a gym. We are complex creatures.
5. I bite my nails. I have never had long nails. Once my friend put on some of those fake nails on me. I was enjoying it at first. It was fun to make that tapping noise that annoys everyone around you. And I could dial the phone like a Jersey girl using the very tip of my nail. But when I went to the bathroom and couldn’t zip up my own pants I knew long, fake nails were not for me.
6. I have a cat who has “cat acne”. The vet told me so and every so often I have to pump her up with steroids. She’s the buffest cat you’ll ever see.
7. I like to have a beer at night. If I’m out on the town I usually prefer a vodka tonic. Or vodka cranberry. Or a mojito. Or a Malibu Baybreeze. Or pretty much anything else alcoholic. But I’m not an alcoholic so don’t get the wrong idea.
8. One of my favorite movies is Flashdance. I think its very inspiring despite all the spandex.

I am now tagging anyone who wants to be a tagee. Try it, its fun! Even leave your random facts here in my comments if you like.

I faithfully go to visit my mom and grandmother three times a week for dinner. We eat, watch the news, and drink some decaf. The talk is usually light chit chat. On one of these evenings last week I brought out my translated adoption papers. I was a bit nervous because we’ve never had a real talk about my adoption. She has often told me the story of my adoption from her perspective. The waiting. The excitement. How she knew I was hers since she saw my first photograph. She read over the papers and said she was glad I was going to Korea and that it would be good for me. So far, so good. We continued to talk about my years growing up and I mentioned how there were not many Asians then. She responded by saying, “But there are more now!”. Then she sat and thought for a minute. Then she asked The Question. “Are you glad you were adopted?”. I hesitated because I felt like it was a loaded question. How am I supposed to answer that? To me this is not a yes or no question. Plus it was bordering on the “Aren’t you grateful you were adopted?” question. Without knowing how to sum up my multitude of feelings I meekly answered yes. My hesitation was definitely noticed. She said I didn’t sound so sure. So I tried to explain how I wished that I knew more about where I came from. How I wished I had grown up knowing other Asian kids. How I wished that being Asian was something significant. I looked at my mom. She was looking more upset at this point. She said she didn’t know if my life would have been any better if I had stayed in Korea. My grandmother then asked if I loved them. I was insulted by the question. I continued to try to explain that these issues and feelings are not unique to me. Many other adoptees feel the same way and they come from all different types of homes- from the most loving of atmospheres to the abusive. I tried to explain that of course I love them. They are my family and I have no other but love cannot fix everything. My mom finally burst out crying. She has always suffered from extremely low self esteem and has carried around a lot of unnecessary guilt about her mothering. Since my one and only sibling is a jackass, I am “the good one”. I support my family in many ways. One way is by constantly reassuring my mom that she’s a good mom. I told her I didn’t tell her all of this to make her feel bad or guilty. But she only kept saying that she let me down. That she had screwed up with both of her children. My grandmother, the peacekeeper of the family, consoled my mom by telling her that she only did what she felt was right at the time. When I was four my dad went to work one day and never came home. He ran off to California and started a new life. For three years my mom had no clue of his whereabouts. She just knew that she was stuck with two kids and a lot of debt. She spent many years working three jobs and trying to stay sane. I understand this was a difficult time. Working and raising us must have been draining. I always told myself this when I wondered why she never included anything Korean in my life. I don’t know if she just never thought about this or if she did but hoped it would never become an issue. But it was certainly becoming an issue now. She told my grandmother to stop making excuses for her and that she should have tried harder with me. I felt confused by all of my emotions. Angry because I thought what she said was true. Why didn’t she try harder? Was race ever discussed when they were trying to adopt a Korean baby? Didn’t they know I would be asking questions at some point? I was saddened to think of how upset she was getting but irritated because this was becoming less about my issues and more about hers. We just sat in silence for a while until I said I had to go. My grandmother walked me out. “She’ll be ok. I understand.” she told me. I’m not so sure about either of those statements. I don’t know how this will change our relationship. I hope for the better. A more open and honest relationship. But it feels like its heading for the worse. Like a wall that’s always been there but we pretended not to see it.

I have a confession to make. I LIKE BAD TV. At this moment I’m watching “So you think you can dance” and loving it. I have a mini-crush on Hawk or whatever his name is. Who cares! He can dance!

There, I said it. I feel much better.

Ooooo…. a two hour Hell’s Kitchen. Gotta go!

I got my last Netflix pick a few weeks ago and it’s been sitting around since then. I popped the DVD into the player tonight and watched the hour long documentary. If you have not seen the film, it is worth the rent. It is about Asian-American males in film and television. Obviously I know that Asians are not seen on screen very often (unless you count porn) but I didn’t know much about the history of Asian-Americans on screen. The documentary doesn’t go into great detail about the films but there are a lot of interviews with several Asian-American actors and other film related people. Some I know of like Bobby Lee from Mad TV and the guy from “21 Jumpstreet”. I loved that show by the way and now have an urge to rewatch all of the episodes. The other interviewees are older and I have never seen them or their movies. I now need to do some Netflix hunting down of these movies and catch up on some Asian-American history.

Despite my excitement of seeing “21 Jumpstreet” clips, watching this made me pretty sad. I realized how little I see Asians. I flip channels and stop on any Asian face I see even if its the worst show ever written. Even if its some Asian woman on QVC selling the latest collection of crap. The film brings up the fact that there isn’t much of a niche in Hollywood for Asian actors. A study was done about what roles were expected of different minorities in Hollywood. For African-American and Latinos expectations were to see them as janitors, criminals- the stereotypical roles. For Asians there were no expectations. We are unseen and unheard. It almost feels as though we are invisible, non-existent. Too foreign to know what American culture is, therefore how can we portray it? Pretty depressing, huh? Even in our modern, PC preaching society, the struggle remains.

If you rent or buy this, let me know what you think. Watch the extra features also. The panel discussion is interesting, especially if you’re interested in film.

My weekend has had its ups and downs. It started on Friday (as most weekends do) with the mail. I received my results from my EMT exam. I passed the written test and did quite well I think. But I did not pass one of my practicals. I went over the time limit! Boo!! So unfortunately I will be getting stomach upsets once again when I retake the darn thing. Don’t stop sending good vibes. I really need them now

The weekend progressed on a better note. I went kayaking on the James River where one of my best friends lives. We went on a part of the river called Balcony Falls. It is about a 4 hour trip that takes you through the largest rapid in this area. A class III rapid I believe. I’m getting much better at weaving through rocky waters and keeping my balance. I only tipped over once! The very first time I went I did a lot of swimming After that we ate a very yummy dinner. I always like going to their house on the weekends. They make breakfast, dinner, let me use all their kayaking equipment. I do dishes and feed their cat as payment. Its like going to summer camp except with alcohol.

I spent Saturday night with them then came home to find my translated adoption papers in the mailbox. A couple of weeks ago I was still wondering who could translate for me. I even posted a request online but got no responses. Then I remembered my friend Liza who is Korean. Duh! Her parents are Korean. Duh! They know the language. Duh!! I emailed her the papers and she sent them to her parents in Texas. As I suspected the translation was not very revealing. But I learned that I liked milk and tea and downed it very quickly. I had a rash. I had good toilet habits. Much of this is still true today. I can down a glass of water in .2 seconds. I still have sensitive skin. I like to think I still have good toilet habits but since I typically go to the bathroom alone, I’ll have to be my own judge.

I’m working my way up to my 32 birthday this week. I’m starting to feel old. The gray hairs keep on coming. Its not as easy to stay in shape anymore. I can’t stay up til 2:30 am and feel fresh at work the next day. But I feel more content than I used to. This weekend feels like a snippet of my current life. I don’t mind a few bumps and tummy upsets because I’ve been practicing my paddling. I’m better equipped to navigate and balance myself on the waters coming my way. I can take on these changes while maintaining my true self- a girl who can drink fast and pee cleanly.

I just finished taking the state test for EMT-B certification. I won’t know for two whole weeks if I passed or not! I think that’s just cruel. I’m not sure how I did but I’m glad it is over. Unfortunately the evaluators have poker faces and didn’t give me a smile, a wink, or even a “good luck”. Maybe they were just distracted by the strange noises coming from my stomach. Whenever I get nervous my stomach goes crazy and I feel the need to pee every few minutes. (I will probably be spending a lot of time in the bathroom in Korea.) My tummy troubles were probably audible during testing. I hope that isn’t grounds for failure! After three hours though, the hardest part is over. Now all I have to do is wait. And wait. And wait some more… has it been two weeks yet???